


Cooler Than You

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Utter Nonsense [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Bucky is just human lmao, Celestial!Peter, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Random & Short, vampire!Tony, what is this? no fucking clue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 21:10:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13062222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: “I can’t believeI’mthe boring one,” Bucky mumbles and Peter can’t blame him for that.





	Cooler Than You

**Author's Note:**

> What is this? I don't know. I debated on not posting it but it's like 3, 000 words so even if its mostly nonsense I figured I might as well not waste my efforts. Basically this is 3, 000 of the gang acting like children because reasons. This didn't even turn out like what I was expecting, except now I can't remember what I was expecting lol.

“I can’t believe _I’m_ the boring one,” Bucky mumbles and Peter can’t blame him for that. Dude spent years as a spy for the US only to get captured by Russians and tortured until he was basically mind goo. Except they managed to fuck his brain while retaining his skills so he spent ten years as a Russian assassin until he happened to run into an old friend of his and his ex and something about the Russian torture techniques failed and boom, Bucky was back. In any given relationship it would be obvious who the exciting and interesting person would be and it would definitely be Bucky. The problem was that he ended up dating two very unusual people in their own right.

“I don’t think I’m more interesting than you,” Tony says, being too nice for his own good because he was _way_ more interesting than Bucky.

Bucky gives Tony a _look_. “You’re a four hundred year old vampire who built a multibillion dollar company out of nothing, you’re famous, you’re technology is so advanced it technically shouldn’t exist, and last week you had an allergic reaction to garlic bread. You’re one hundred percent more interesting than me,” he says.

“Fine, but I think we can all agree that Peter is definitely the most interesting,” he says. Bucky nods in agreement and Peter is surprised but flattered. He wouldn’t really say he was the most interesting if for no other reason than Tony’s involvement in several wars made him cooler but he’d take it.

“Just saying that time Tony told Hitler to fuck off in World War One makes him the more interesting but I’m totally cool with being the best,” he says, grinning.

“Uh excuse you ‘interesting’ is not ‘best’, which clearly goes to me,” Tony says. “Also I contemplated eating Hitler for _three_ nights and decided you know what, leave him be, he’s weird and you don’t like him but that’s no reason to kill a man. I could have prevented World War Two if I just ate that asshole instead of that sorry sap in France.”

“One time I ran for so long I threw up,” Bucky says, earning a weird looks from Tony. Peter pats his shoulder.

“That’s nice, honey. And I think I should get the title of interesting _and_ best because I have a whole planet,” Peter says. It took some time to relocate the bits of his father’s old planet, gluing enough back together to regain some of his power but after that he managed to figure his own thing out and his planet was way more bitchin than his asshole dad’s had been. First of all there were _topiaries_ , which said everything anyone needed to know.

Tony rolls his eyes at him, “we’ve never even seen your stupid planet, that doesn’t make you cool.”

“You went into anaphylactic shock because you ate _garlic bread_ when you’re a _vampire_. As if _you’re_ the cool one!” Peter says, offended that he somehow got labeled the less cool one by at least Tony.

“I’m _Italian_! I miss garlic bread okay! Rhodey did _not_ think this whole eternal life thing through!” Tony says in his own defense. That was a fucking stupid response in Peter’s totally humble opinion.

“Wait, _Rhodey_ was the one who turned you?” Bucky asks.

Tony squints at him, “how did you not know that?” he asks.

“You hardly talk about that time you were turned into a vampire, I didn’t know Rhodey turned you either. Why though? You must have been like… _insanely_ racist when you met,” Peter points out. Like Tony was alive _before_ slaves were freed- he couldn’t have been pleasant to be around for Rhodey so what the hell?

“I’m _Italian_ ,” Tony repeats, resulting in Peter and Bucky raising eyebrows at him. “I’m not from America, I immigrated. I mean obviously Europe had racist opinions but Europe didn’t really like me much either and I was from this tiny ass village that kept accusing me of witch craft- we bonded over people being assholes.” Peter and Bucky exchange a look and turn back to Tony. “Yeah I was insanely racist and got punched by a vampire but I learned not to be an asshole,” he mumbles.

“What made you change your mind?” Bucky asks, clearly curious.

“Aside from being punched by a vampire?” Tony asks.

“Duh. I mean you could have used that as proof that black people sucked,” he points out.

Tony shrugs, “Rhodey is almost as smart as I am and when I was stumped on a project he fixed it. Can’t really deny the evidence and also he pointed out we got treated basically the same if for different reasons.”

Bucky snorts, “something tells me he got the shitter end of the deal.”

“He totally did but he was trying to tone things down for my benefit. I was already a giant jackass, telling me he had it way worse was not going to make me listen. So now that you both know about the shittiest part of my past that isn’t nearly single handedly fucking over the Middle East can we move on? Do we have any more garlic bread left?” he asks.

“I called dibs on it because your stupid ass bought a ridiculous amount of it and _someone_ has to eat it. Preferably not the one who will go into shock if they do,” Peter says. Tony sulks but neither Peter nor Bucky feel bad for him.

*

Stephen looks absolutely offended and Tony can’t figure out why. “ _I_ am the most interesting one out of all of us! _Who_ made all those medical discoveries and advancements that benefit the _whole_ of society today? Not any of you!” he says, making an irritated noise like the mere _thought_ of someone being more interesting than him was offensive.

Bucky frowns, “weren’t you a body snatcher though? That’s creepy,” he says. “And kind of disrespectful.”

Stephen lets out an annoyed huff, “well there weren’t enough bodies and there were some in the ground. Why not contribute to something beyond death? People are always talking about meaning and what lays beyond life- these people got real life after death. They meant something,” he says, nose in the air.

Tony and Peter exchange a glance and roll their eyes. “Still creepy as hell, Stephen,” Tony tells him.

“And _who_ saved you from your damn garlic bread?” Stephen asks.

Tony grins, “Christine.” It wasn’t exactly wrong- Christine has always been important in Stephen’s medical process, which was half of why he managed to convince a vampire to bite her. Stephen, a kitsune, hardly had the power to ensure eternal life but he knew people who knew people and now Christine was a vampire who had thankfully done research on what happened when a vampire ate garlic. Tony maintains that the garlic bread was worth it and he had plans to eat at least fifteen more things with garlic in them. Christine and Stephen were about to be busy because Tony was sick of not being able to eat foods from his home country, his body could shut up and deal with it.

“Christine _helped_ , I was the one who saved you from your stupidity. Therefore _I_ am the coolest,” Stephen says.

“Okay but Peter can manipulate and control energy and particles. Once he _made_ me a bunch of roses out of nothing. That’s cooler than penicillin,” Bucky tells him.

“Next time you need antibiotics I’ll ensure you get none,” Stephen tells him, nose twitching in annoyance as the elevator to Tony’s penthouse opens. They all look over to find Christine looking back at him.

“Why are you all looking at me?” she asks.

“Tell them that I’m the coolest,” Stephen tells her and she snorts.

“Absolutely not- Bucky is obviously the coolest. We’re all a bunch of boring supernatural creatures, Bucky is the one who’s the most interesting,” she says.

Stephen, Tony, and Peter manage a three way glance, something Tony didn’t even realize was possible before now, and turn back to Christine. “How do you figure?” Stephen asks.

Christine shrugs, “Stephen and I are basically immortal and we’ve had well over a century to do something meaningful with ourselves and we have. We’re important figures medically. Tony has had four hundred years to do something meaningful and he only managed it in the last ninety years, and Peter hasn’t even spent most of his life on this planet let alone done anything important. Bucky is the only one who’s done something impressive within a human lifespan- less than half of a human lifespan technically- and he continues to maintain his claim to fame by acting as an important figurehead in movements that are invested in helping veterans when they come home from war so they can actually adjust to their lives back home. Ultimately he’s the most successful in the least amount of time; therefore he’s the coolest. I’m obviously second place though,” she adds with a smile.

Peter, Stephen and Tony make scandalized noises. “I made dick topiaries on a _planet_ that I _made_!” Peter tells Christine, offended by the suggestion that he wasn’t as awesome as he thought he was.

“I have made more medical process than you so how come _you_ get second place?” Stephen asks, offended.

“I did important things before ninety years ago, my company just made me more well known and Edison kept stealing my inventions! That guy was a fucking prick!” Tony yells. Fucking Edison- if he didn’t know what happened with his body he would have hoped that Stephen body snatched that asshat.

Bucky grins, “I like Christine’s theory,” he says.

“Dick topiaries!” Peter says with meaning.

“Medical research that is _unparalleled_ by any other doctor!” Stephen adds.

“I helped fuel the Enlightenment!” Tony says.

“Least week I got so drunk I forgot how to speak normally and was stuck with a Korean accent until I woke up sober the next day,” Bucky says, solidly putting himself back in last place for cool points in Tony’s opinion.

Stephen looks back at Christine, “is he still the cool one?” he asks, echoing Tony’s thoughts.

Christine rolls her eyes, “alright then, lets compare everyone’s faults, shall we? Stephen, you used to snatch bodies out of their _graves_ and I helped you, Tony used to have a plane of strippers and was _insanely_ misogynistic and that’s not even _close_ to his worst failing, and Peter thinks dick shaped plants are an accomplishment. If Bucky’s worst flaw is a Korean accent he still wins and I come in second place,” she tells them.

“Its hard to make the plants look like dicks!” Peter says in his own defense. “It took me like five years to get them right!”

“Is that supposed to help your case?” Christine asks, squinting at him.

“Yes,” Peter says in a sulky tone.

“I’d like to add that I also managed to, against all odds, end up in a relationship with a famous vampire _and_ someone who is, for all intents and purposes, an alien. I’m a pretty cool human, thanks for making me feel better about myself, Christine,” Bucky says. “And I definitely think you’re the second coolest.”

“This is blasphemy,” Stephen says. “I’m at least second place- I have a fox form with _nine_ tails!”

“Like a Pokémon,” Tony adds, causing everyone else to laugh.

“There goes the cool points on that,” Stephen mumbles.

“I have a whole _planet_ that is populated by _me_. That’s so much cooler than Bucky being successful or whatever. He isn’t even _that_ successful yet. No offense,” Peter adds.

“I’m _very_ offended,” Bucky tells him, arms crossed.

“That is pretty offensive,” Tony says in Bucky’s defense. “But also I’m a lot more successful and over _several_ lifetimes, not even just one. Just because no one knew my name didn’t mean I wasn’t important,” he sniffs, nose in the air.

“You two are assholes and I deserve better,” Bucky mumbles.

“Like what, your annoying pixie friend?” Peter asks. “Lets be real, nothing about Steve is cool.”

“His muscles are pretty cool,” Tony says, “and the fact that he’s not short like me. If I had to live my life out as a supernatural creature couldn’t I at least get to be one that’ll add a couple inches to my frame?” he asks.

“You’re the perfect height to put my arm on your shoulder, though,” Bucky says in his defense.

Tony glares at him, “put my arm on my shoulder and I’ll rip it off. Then you’ll have _no_ arms and look like something out of Silent Hill.”

Peter bursts out laughing but Christine and Stephen look confused, clearly not getting the reference. Who the hell _were_ these people and how did Tony end up friends with people that are so ignorant to collective pop culture memories?

“Oh, and there’s that,” Christine says. “The fact that Bucky has survived so much trauma- far more than any human could survive or so I thought.”

“Oh come on, _who_ made his badass metal prosthetic? Not Stephen so he can shove his medical advancements up his ass because _I_ made bioengineering leaps to far the medical community has been harassing me ever since. By this time next year everything in hospitals will be made by me. I’m basically taking over the world- one that isn’t just populated by me so it’s cooler than Peter’s stupid planet that’s barely the size of earth’s moon. Just saying I’m the best,” he says, looking pleased with himself.

“The theory that I am the best because you’re all old as tits and had time to do cool things has officially been approved by me and I am going to gladly accept my place as your overlord,” Bucky says. “And Christine is definitely my number two because half of her accomplishments came before she even had the right to vote.”

Tony and Peter exchange a glance, forgetting about that basic piece of history. From the look on Stephen’s face they weren’t alone.

“That’s right, pile of white men, I had to work five times as hard to be considered half as good even _still_ and that’s not even counting that I didn’t have the right to marry Pepper until two years ago,” she points out.

Peter jumps up, “faulty logic, _faulty logic_! Tony and I still can’t marry Bucky without breaking laws because humans are monogamous freaks who think for some stupid reason you can only love one person romantically at a time. So _ha_ ,” Peter says, grinning.

Tony frowns, “yeah, but we always had the right to vote and we don’t deal with assumptions of being inherently lesser so I think she still technically wins even if we’re all some kind of gay and may or may not have access to marriage rights.”

“I’m not some kind of gay,” Stephen points out.

“Less cool points inherently, everyone knows the gays have better style even if they have no fashion sense like Tony in the nineties,” Bucky says.

“Leave me alone, I had a cocaine problem!” he says in his defense.

Christine snorts, “yeah, we could tell. Space age suits? Absolutely awful,” she says, shaking her head.

*

Rhodey watches as they all bicker back and forth about who was the coolest one before he sighs and decides to decimate all their dreams. “I’m obviously the coolest,” he says, laughing as five heads turn in his direction.

“How so?” Stephen asks.

“So glad you asked. First of all I am an accomplished polymath who has found a calling in the military basically doing what Bucky does except I’m still in the Air Force and I hold a high position there. One that helped Tony with his success with his company, might I add. Plus I was a black man in America when people were still trying to keep me as a slave _and_ I had the misfortune of having to educate Tony’s dumb racist ass because I needed his help to get out of Italy without getting staked, running into a church, a lynch mob, holy water, or garlic. In _Italy_. That damn country is basically vampire proof. Then I ended up back in America post slavery and the white people _still_ haven’t learned to be much better because they’re excusing cops shooting twelve year old black boys. _Plus_ bisexuals were hardly accepted in the military and still mostly aren’t even if they legally don’t kick you out for it anymore. So basically I’ve done all of what you guys have with a lot more social barriers- and lets be real here, I have the best personality,” he tells them.

Tony nods, “that’s all true,” he says. It was nice that some people still stuck to being loyal to their sires because Rhodey had no patience for those that were not. Thankfully he has only turned Tony though so he didn’t have to deal with modern bratty vampires even if Tony was hardly less work. Honestly had anyone told him he would acquire a small, Italian baby vampire before he met Tony he would have told laughed in their face but he loved Tony dearly even if their initial meeting and the subsequent weeks after that made him want to rip all of Tony’s hair out- eyebrow hair included.

“I maintain second best,” Christine says and Rhodey shrugs.

“I guess. I think Tony gets third though,” he says mostly out of loyalty and a little because Tony actually had a shitty life before he made something of himself. His father had been a wealthy merchant but the man was an _asshole_. Rhodey would never tell Tony but he fed off of Howard more than once just because he deserved to feel weak and drowsy all the time and it kept him from being an ass to his wife and kid.

Tony perks up and smiles, “see, totally cooler than the rest of you as admitted by the coolest person in the room,” he says.

“You are all children,” JARVIS says, making them all jump in surprise because the AI had been suspiciously silent thus far.

“In vampire years yeah, I’m still pretty young,” Rhodey tells the AI and Tony snorts.

“You’re the fucking crypt keeper, Rhodes.”

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
